Nice to meet you. I’m Satsuki Ideriha.
This is my first post. As an introduction, I’d like to use this post to explain about myself and my blog, ‘Satsukingdom’.
Perhaps this introduction also serves as a declaration of my own resolve.
The reason I started this blog
My current situation
It’s been about three years since I was diagnosed with severe depression. While I manage daily life without issue, many things still feel different from before. Anxiety constantly follows me regarding working at the company as before. I believe I could manage it if I actually did it, but I dislike half-measures and am a perfectionist, for better or worse. Having worked under the mindset that meeting others’ expectations at 120% was an obligation, I worry I might end up worn down again. This is a trait from childhood, so I feel it’s a fundamental part of me where advice like “Why not just learn to cut corners a bit?” doesn’t apply. To protect myself, I felt I needed to change how I work.
And at home, I have three cats and one dog. They’re all family members who started living with me after I was diagnosed with depression. Among them, my beloved dog cries constantly when I’m not around because he gets lonely. He was owned by my mother, who passed away two years ago. But before that, she was frequently hospitalized, leaving him alone for long stretches of time. And after she died, it took several weeks before she was found—he was alone the whole time during that stretch. I made him endure a pretty miserable life. I don’t want him to feel lonely anymore. He’s fourteen now, his eyesight is failing, and he increasingly can’t manage his bathroom needs alone. I want him to make up for all that hardship, even just a little. I want him to eat delicious food, get cuddled whenever he wants, and play whenever he pleases. That’s the life I want to give him.
I strongly wish for other cats to feel happiness when they’re with me too. A cat, about three and a half years old, had a congenital cleft in its mouth and had been abandoned. He’s incredibly friendly, and even with that cleft, he’s a very cute brown and white cat. A cat around five and a half years old was left behind in an empty house when his previous owner had to move into a facility. He was trying hard to catch grasshoppers and such to eat, but couldn’t manage and had become emaciated when we rescued him. Now he’s a completely affectionate black and white sweetheart. And then, a calico cat who is probably over fifteen years old was rescued while she was lying down, seemingly having given up on life. She had a high fever, and her tail hung limply as if it might fall off. One ear seemed to have been lost quite some time ago, and all her teeth were gone. She was in a desperate state, but when we asked if she wanted to live, she showed us her will, so we brought her home. She still needs weekly trips to the vet, but it’s almost been a year now. Thanks to the treatment, she’s now eating delicious food heartily.
I have a wife. She is a wonderful wife who gently watches over our family, including me. It is thanks to her that I, who was once distant from the concept of “family,” can now feel what it means to have one.
Reason for starting
The time spent confronting depression was also a time of confronting myself. My personality, my way of life, my traits, my work style, my tendencies, my experiences since childhood. I confronted various things, felt down, gained insights, and deepened my understanding. In the process, I realized that I fall into the category often called gifted, that I am left-handed, and that I don’t need to hide my differences from others.
And I began wanting to share it. Part of the reason is that I hope it might spark awareness in others like me. But I think the main reason is that I realized the act of putting it into videos or writing helps me understand and organize my own thoughts.
And when I wanted to secure time to spend with my precious family and protect myself, working entirely online seemed like the ideal solution.
I started by posting on YouTube. I had no technical skills. While I could quickly organize what I wanted to share, turning it into a video was difficult. I was experimenting, but it was frustrating. That’s when I realized I didn’t struggle with putting things into writing, but I did struggle with expressing them through video or audio. I’ve always been a book lover, willing to cut back on food to buy books. You’d think I’d have realized this much earlier in life. I guess I just wasn’t interested in myself back then. Next, I started writing a novel. The process itself was incredibly enjoyable, and time flew by. However, since it’s a full-length novel, it takes years to write everything I want to write. I’m still working on it now, and this too is frustrating. That’s how I ended up with my blog, “Satsukingdom.”
The Meaning of the Name “Satsukingdom”
Regarding the name of this blog, “Satsukingdom,” it’s a fusion of my name, “Satsuki,” and “Kingdom,” . It embodies my desire to live as a king, taking the lead in my own life—a departure from how I’ve lived until now: conforming to others, suppressing myself, and maintaining my existence by meeting others’ expectations. My previous way of life was not that of a king or minister, nor even a citizen. I was a hidden one, a secret agent. I received orders and carried out missions reliably, unnoticed by those around me. The results of my missions were never made public; even if they were, the credit went to the one who gave the orders. I tried to blend into the crowd, ensuring my very existence remained unknown. It was a life I accepted. This name also signifies my break from that way of living. I also like the point that if taken too far, “dictatorship” leads to “the kingdom’s downfall.”
Themes and Concepts
The content I plan to share will be about things I’ve felt up until now and insights I’ve gained while confronting life. This includes many thoughts I’ve never even shared with acquaintances throughout my life—because I’ve hidden myself. These insights might be relatable to many, or they might stem from my own unique perspective. I’ll strive to make the content useful for daily life and valuable when looking at life from a long-term perspective. I hope that reading this will offer you moments of recognition—“That’s just like me”—insights—“I never thought of it that way”—and discoveries—“I didn’t know that.”
One Last Thing…
This time, as my first post, I shared thoughts on the blog’s past and future. Since this is my first blog, I don’t know how it will turn out. However, I hope to create a blog where we can learn together, grow up together, and evolve together with all of you who read it.
I hope my experiences and insights can add a little color to your lives. Please cheer me on.
Satsuki Ideriha
コメント