It has been three years since I was diagnosed with severe depression. I share my experiences and feelings from living with this illness. I hope this serves as a resource for anyone affected by depression—whether you are struggling with it yourself, have someone close to you who is, or are concerned you might be prone to it.
This series covers a variety of topics. All content is based on my personal experiences and contains no falsehoods or exaggerations. However, I possess no medical expertise. Please consult a physician as needed. While I share stories based on my experiences, they lack medical evidence. Leave it to the experts. Thank you for your understanding.
The Start of My Battle with Illness
I was diagnosed with “severe depression” in July 2022. That was about three years ago. Over a year had passed since I first began noticing changes in my physical condition. When my energy and stamina reached their limit and I submitted my resignation, a meeting with the company doctor was arranged as one of the retention measures. During that meeting, I was referred to a psychiatrist, but at that point, I had no awareness that I was suffering from depression.
During my consultation at the psychosomatic medicine clinic, I filled out a test similar to a multiple-choice sheet. The score apparently indicates the severity of depression, and mine was quite high. I was strongly advised not to go to work starting the next day. It was a doctor’s order to stop working. Since I had originally intended to resign anyway, I had secretly prepared handover materials. For tasks that couldn’t be left unattended, I had arranged for a two-person system with myself and a subordinate, using various justifications. There was about a two-week gap between submitting my resignation and the doctor’s visit, so I was able to take a “leave of absence” without causing significant damage to the company.
The reason for the leave of absence was that at that point, both the company and I believed I would recover quickly. The company wanted me to return to work once I recovered, thinking my resignation was due to depression. For my part, I felt resigning while depressed would leave my future uncertain. I thought I could return to work as rehabilitation and reconsider resignation later. Using my paid leave and receiving sick leave benefits while waiting to recover also felt more financially secure. Since I had been transferred repeatedly, the apartment I was living in at the time was under a company lease. The fact that the company covered half the rent was also a reason I took leave initially. Above all, the medical certificate at that time stated the leave period would be three months. No one imagined it would become this long.
My current situation
More than three years have passed since that day, and about a year ago, I also left that company. In the end, I couldn’t return. And I’m still on my life’s vacation. At the multiple companies I’ve worked for so far, I’ve worked 16 hours a day or gone 150 days straight without a day off. I take it as meaning I should be balancing that out now. But it’s certainly not as leisurely as you’d call it a “summer vacation of life.”
I’m still taking medication. I finally managed to stop taking sleeping pills about six months ago. However, I’m still taking antidepressants. After my diagnosis, the medication gradually increased until it reached the prescribed maximum dosage. Now, I’ve finally managed to reduce it to one-third of what it was back then.
I’m managing daily life without any problems. However, compared to before I got sick, I’m still not back to normal.
The adversary that people with depression battle
My battle with illness continues, but I’ve made significant progress. I can now do many things I couldn’t before. What I’ve come to realize in this journey is that this illness is completely different from the image I originally had of depression. I expected symptoms like lack of motivation and difficulty sleeping, but there were many lesser-known symptoms I hadn’t anticipated. It’s like thinking defeating a few strong enemies would complete the mission, only to discover the enemy is a massive organization. The enemy isn’t just a boss; there are mid-bosses, minor bosses, and foot soldiers. It would be nice if this organization fought me one by one like Kamen Rider, but they all attack at once, which is overwhelming. Plus, they’re all unknown entities making me think, “You’re an enemy too?”
I want to share everything I know about the full scope of such an unknown large-scale organization. I think that just knowing what kind of enemy is attacking will allow more people to respond with a little more composure, thinking, “Oh, you. I know you.”
And no one around me seems to realize I’m fighting a massive organization. “What’s taking you so long against just a few enemies? Hang in there!”—that’s the kind of thing I hear. It’s meant as encouragement, but sometimes the person saying it starts to look like the enemy. I was fortunate to have a wife who understood, but those who don’t understand can sometimes unwittingly become the enemy.
To help you know your enemy
In Satsukingdom, I introduce the enemies that people with depression may face. These could be symptoms of the illness, the eyes and voices of those around them, financial struggles, or their own assumptions. I also want to reduce the sad instances where someone who intended to fight alongside them inadvertently becomes an enemy. I hope that the battles faced by people with depression become just a little less harsh.
Know your enemy and know yourself, and you will fight a hundred battles without danger.
Know yourself but not your enemy, and you will win one and lose one.
Neither know your enemy nor yourself, and you will be in danger in every battle.
Sun Tzu
If you know your enemy’s strength and circumstances well, and also understand yourself well, you will never lose no matter how many times you fight. If you don’t know your enemy but understand yourself well, you may win or lose. If you know neither your enemy nor yourself, you will inevitably face danger every time you fight.
I’d be happy to fight alongside you as your companion.
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